I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
