I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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