he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
