Im at strip club and am horny
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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