I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
