I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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