I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
