he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
