you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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