I think I just saw someone hide a body.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
