If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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