That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
