I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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