And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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