It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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