I just saw a hot homeless man
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
