I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
