Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
