At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
