Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
