Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
