Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
