Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she pinky promised me she was 18
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
