If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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