Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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