I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
