stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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