I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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