so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
