I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize