After last night, I could never be a politician.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
