ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
