The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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