i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
