The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
