I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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