We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
