Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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