the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
