Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
