____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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