Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
