I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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