If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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