ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
