Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
