thus making me awesome and them whores
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
