the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize