Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
