shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
