every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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