On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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