i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
