Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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