and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
