who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Randomize
