Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
