I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
