She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
