She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
