At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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