I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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